Early Mourning
by Lady Venom2
Summary: The death of a loved one isn't easy, but it seems my prefered place of comfort scares my family


****

Early Mourning

Note:_ Yes, this really did happen. On Nov. 1st, 2003, I received a phone call that my father had died in a car accident trying to avoid a deer. No pity please, I wrote this simply because writing is a release, and on the night of his accident, I decided to write this while staying at a friends house. I started at 11pm and it is now 12:48 am. And yeah, If you're reading this, it's because my resolve (bad as it was) finally broke and I need someone to lean on. And yeah, I know that I skip around a bit in the timeframe of about three months. But ya know what? I really couldn't give a rats ass about anything right now_

I looked at the others, tonight had been somber, yesterday had been hell. So much had happened that I had to look back at that night , and when I did I had to really give it thought. It just didn't seem real, it seemed almost surreal, but not quite. The others dealt with it, I didn't. I stayed silent through everything. I had to, nobody was prepared for the blow. I mean. Who could've been? It's not something that you wake up and think, _Oh gee. I can't wear that, that's not appropriate for an impromptu accident'_. And, you read about it in novels, in magazines, everywhere. But you still don't really know what to expect. I mean, my father is dead, and all I can think about is, he didn't know that I had a new hair cut, he didn't know about my new job, or he didn't know that I was a cat for Halloween. All he knew was that I was living with mom, and I know is that I thought I didn't like him. Dear Goddess, I hope he didn't think I hated him if I ever thought that, I don't think I could live with the grief of it. They just don't understand, I joke, and make light of the situation because I have too. I don't do it solely for their benefit, I do it for me. I'm the jokester, I need to make people laugh in order to be happy. And hearing my mother scream like that froze me to the core.

I look at them, they're careful not to bother me, and who can blame them. I obviously haven't been myself lately. He was cremated the other day, and seeing the head stone finally made it real. He's never coming back. He'll never meet my fiancée, he'll never walk me down the aisle. I'll never have my daddy back again.

He's just gone

I can hear them whispering now, they're worried about me, I know. I haven't eaten much and my brother is just as withdrawn as me, although he doesn't show it. He's good at covering up the pain I guess that's something he got from our father. Dale always could be a strong manstubborn, but strong. Jared is only eleven, I've had eighteen years with our father he's still so young, and now dad will never see him grow up. He'll never see him grow, he'll never see him start high school, or meet his girlfriend. Or see him off to the prom Jared had even bought his Christmas present.

Ya know, I think the only reason I know dad knew I didn't hate him is the fact that his girlfriend told me he talked about me often, that he spoke of me with pride. Now dad won't even be at my graduation, he'll never see that I'll be the first of his kids to make something of herself. Dad never knew about my dreams of moving to New York, of teaching English to elementary kids.

He never knew any of it

And it's all thanks to my pigheaded ways. And if it wasn't for Bambi jumping out into the road, he'd be alive, and we wouldn't be here. And I could wake up screaming from the treacherous nightmare. But then, in times like these, I'm glad that I can withdraw into my own world. I know that it worries everyone, but the only way I'll ever cope is to have myself surrounded by my friends, who can be or do whatever I want them to, like be worried about me, but leave me alone like they are now. Always close by, but never near enough to know how much I hurt.

I can hear one walking over now, and I smile. I can tell by his light footsteps that he's ready to fly at any given moment should I desire him to scat.

"Yeah?" I whisper, wiping at my tears. I hate people to see me cry.

"Do you want something to eat? It's been a few days since you've really eaten anything."

Breathing deep I reign in my emotions, I've become rather good at that lately. Although I don't know if that's a good thing yet. And shake my head.

"No Don, I'm afraid that anything I eat won't stay down anyway." I look over at my companion. "Hand me that box of Kleenex will ya?" I blow my nose and sigh. Quite frankly, I'm more tired than hungry, but my body has decided to refuse my both of those privileges. And so, I sit here in a zombie like state of nothing.

I feel him sit down beside me, and wrap his arms around me. Leaning in, I chance a glance back at my motley late mourning crew. Ninja Turtles and Transformers alike intermingling within the bowels of my mind. I see Raphael and Optimus talking quietly, Splinter and Rhinox are sharing a pot of tea, while Cheetor, Silverbolt, Blackarachnia and Michaelangeo seem to be in a state of shock. Depth Charge, Rampage and Megatron are off to one side, silent. The others blend together as fresh tears spring into my eyes. Over the last few weeks I think I've cried enough to fill the Hoover dam, and still they come. Although this is the first time they've shown up in the presence of others.

I settle into Donatellos arms as my favorite repositions himself to accommodate my weight on him.

"Can you make it go away?"

I feel his arms tighten around me before answering, "No, I'm sorry I can't."

I sniffle, wiping furiously at the tears that had leaked. "Then what good are you?" I tell him, more harshly than I originally intended. And I hear his answer right beside my ear, as if it were a secret intended only for me.

"I'm here for you to rant at, to cry on. I'm just here."

Oh.

I feel my body start to relax, finally allowing itself a moments peace, and my eyes start to close and I feel myself drift.

"It's always going to be harder before it gets betters, but remember that you can't run from it, nor do you need to fully embrace it all at once. It's going to take a long time for you to get a grip on everything, and that's perfectly fine. But please remember that if you find yourself unable to talk to your friends, that we are here for you, and we_ are here for you no matter what._" I nod sleepily. "And remember, something you love always comes back."

"Comes back?" I said after a yawn.

"I know that you're not a very devoted Christian, but I do know that you believe in the after life and reincarnation. So when you think you can't bear anymore of it, remember that someday, you will see him again."

The last line did it. The tears that I had held back for weeks opened up and I wept openly for the loss of the man my little brother and I had called daddy, and while I knew that Jared wouldn't understand right now, nor would he want to for a long time to come, but I had to remember to tell him. As I fell asleep in Donnies' arms, the next morning I awoke feeling more refreshed, and more prepared to face the day. I cam out to get some breakfast and saw my mother on the phone and knew instantly that she was talking to my brother. Even though separated, she was still now legally my fathers widow, and had to figure out where Jared would go.

I knew that he would finish out grade six living with our grandparents and move here for junior high, and I wished him the best of luck. I grabbed the keys instead of the cereal box, having fallen asleep in my clothes I really didn't care anyway. I leaned over and kissed mom goodbye, pausing at the door as she lowered the phone for a second and called out to me.

"Honey, where're you going?"

I smile and shrug, "I'm going to go pick up Jared and visit dad. I picked some wildflowers for his birthday today, and I though we could deliver them in person."

I could see the tears well up, but she smiled.

"I think he would like that."


End file.
